he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
