Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
