someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
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