Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
