Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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