I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
