the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
