Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
