No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
