Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
