you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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