Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
