I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
