Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i think i just lost a toe
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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