um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
