Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
