her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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