She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
