I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
not ubering you a puppy
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
