now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
