Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
