I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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