Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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