I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The Olympian is in my bed
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
