I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
