Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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