Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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