I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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