I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
