She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
