from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
