Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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