I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
