last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
