Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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