I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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