absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
