Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
