that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
