Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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