is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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