I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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