Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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