Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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