Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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