It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
