Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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