she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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