Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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