they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
