I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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