um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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